Different people look differently. It’s no secret that appearances say a lot. If someone is happy or sad, it obviously shows in their faces, as well as their demeanor.
I work in a unique industry where I come in contact with many different people on a daily basis, and due to the nature of the business, political views usually get expressed. This being the case, I have become somewhat adept at identifying a person’s political affiliation before they even verbally reveal it, just from their appearance. Now admittedly, this is a generality, but overall it seems to hold true.
HOW TO SPOT A REPUBLICAN
What does a Republican look and sound like? Hmmm, well, this can be broken into two separate categories: younger Republicans, and older Republicans. They both share the same ideology, and there are very similar physical traits, but with slight variances.
A) OLDER REPUBLICANS. This is someone, male or female, middle-aged to elderly. Generally, this person looks and sounds a bit cranky all of the time. Where males are concerned, they are usually military veterans, and look as though a broomstick was stuck up their butt and never removed. They give off a “I don’t trust ANYBODY” vibe, and usually have barbed wire voices that have a distinctive sour tone. It’s always very obvious that this person has NEVER been “cool”, nor has any knowledge of, or interest in being cool whatsoever! Nope, they believe everyone should be a cranky old distrustful turd like them, and anyone who isn’t simply MUST be a dreaded liberal socialist Democrat. For the females, it’s basically the same thing, except they have boobs, which they are usually ashamed of. Older Republican females give off a submissive vibe, being trained from birth to yield authority to the dominant Republican male of the household. After all, it’s what the Bible teaches.
B) YOUNGER REPUBLICANS. Male or female, younger Republicans come across as more self-assured, and less distrusting than their older counterparts. They have a ” screwing someone over is the natural way of things” air about them. They’ve determined that all of their enemies, (i.e. evil liberals) will all soon be destroyed, and they will inherit the earth. They suffer from a false sense of security that many times leads them to recklessly blurt out their most narrow-minded conservative viewpoints with the assumption that everyone will automatically agree with them! Isn’t everyone a conservative Republican?? They are somewhat harder to spot than older Republicans because they appear to blend in with a more contemporary appearance and demeanor, but make no mistake, they can be identified. All Republicans, I repeat ALL, young or old, share one common trait that is unmistakable; the same glazed over, empty blank stare in their eyes. Unmistakable! Now, before you accuse me of exaggerated stereotyping, let me point out that it is a clinical fact that people who suffer from delusional mental disorders almost always display a very distinctive look in their eyes. And there is no one more delusional than a Republican!! I rest my case!
MITSUBISHI LANCER. Yep, if you make enough goofy TV commercials with young actors getting excited over this supposedly “sporty” 4 door compact as if it were a Ferrari, then sure enough, young car buyers will actually believe that it IS “sporty”! In reality, this ugly, boxy, very average looking blob of metal is anything BUT sporty. Classic car enthusiasts get nauseous just looking at it.
CHEVY AVALANCHE. All SUV’s and trucks are butt ugly, but this ridiculous looking hunk of crap is the epitome of ugly. This machine should be in the dictionary as the definition of ugly. How can anyone look at this thing and say “duh, I’ll pay 30 grand for that”?.
HUMMER. Two words sum up this vehicle perfectly: Ugly and stupid. And two words sum up the people who want to own one: Bad taste. Anyone who finds this pile of crap appealing should not be allowed to vote, buy recorded music, or do anything else that requires good taste and good judgment. And no, the giant, cheesy chrome rims DO NOT make this joke any more attractive, “sporty”, or appealing. S-T-U-P-I-D.
TOYOTA COROLLA. Yeah, its a “sensible” car. People who want economical affordability flock to car lots to buy not only this bland, styleless, boring vehicle, but approximately one zillion other similar looking bland, boring “sensible” cars just like it. Everywhere you go these days, “sensible”, ugly, unattractive, bland, boring cars like the Corolla infest the roadways, driven by people who just don’t realize (or worse, just don’t care) that for about the same money they could’ve actually purchased something that looks good. What’s worse is the fact that while drivers of truly beautiful machines like Corvettes are required to pay outrageous insurance rates, all based on the assumption that a racy sports car means speeding and accidents, it is always, I repeat, ALWAYS cars like the Corolla that I see piled up in intersections every time I drive past an accident scene! And usually, it’s an SUV who has collided with them! I have yet to witness two Corvettes in a deadly bumper embrace ANYWHERE! In fact, I have NEVER, EVER seen a Corvette wrecked along the road in my entire life! Always the “sensible” drivers in their silly little “safe” 4 cylinder cars who don’t seem to know the difference between green and red, and yet pay lower insurance rates because, hey, they drive a ” safe, sensible car”, right? Excuse me while I puke!
PICK UP TRUCKS (all of ‘em!) No list of stupid looking vehicles would be complete without including the “Redneck Cadillac” itself, the pick up truck. Pick ups enjoyed surging sales numbers over the last two decades, coinciding precisely with the increased popularity of country music and the plummeting I.Q. of the American public over the same period. Hmmm, coincidence? I’ve lost count of how many “Touch my truck and I’ll shoot” bumper stickers I’ve seen over the years, and the fact that most (if not all) pick up drivers are staunch conservatives goes without saying. The most ridiculous trend of late is the “sporting up” of pick ups with hood scoops, chrome rims, rear spoilers, and other assorted racing accessories. IT’S A TRUCK, YOU MORONS! I don’t care how fast it will go, IT’S A FRIGGIN’ TRUCK AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS!! Also, it seems to be a scientific fact that pick ups will not run properly unless the driver is wearing a baseball cap, either frontwards or backwards. This important discovery was apparently made by rednecks many decades ago, which explains why nearly every goofball you see driving a pick up is wearing a cap. Either that or the cap is necessary to hold the driver’s pea sized brain in place. Whatever the case, pick ups have one purpose, and one purpose only, and that is to haul things. It’s a work vehicle. It’s not a Cadillac, it’s not a hot rod, and it sure as hell does not make it’s driver more “manly” , “macho”, or the king of the road. Sorry rednecks.
If you are a drinker of Propel Fitness Water you may want to take a close look at the ingredients label on the product’s newly redesigned bottles. The people at Gatorade, the makers of Propel, have decided to introduce High Fructose Corn Syrup as the drinks primary sweetener, replacing the previously used Sucrose. Of course, NOWHERE on Propel’s fancy new bottles is there a declaration of this change of sweeteners to alert consumers of what they are now drinking. Anyone who hasn’t been living in a cave these last few years will undoubtedly have heard the findings from the medical community warning consumers that drinking beverages containing High Fructose Corn Syrup is not healthy. It can increase a person’s risk of developing sugar diabetes by 80% by just consuming ONE 12 oz. beverage. Most regular sodas contain High Fructose Corn Syrup, and while many companies, such as Hanson’s Natural Sodas, have been removing High Fructose Corn Syrup from their products, the good people at Gatorade have decided to ADD it, unannounced, to theirs! And of course, Propel is marketed as a vitamin filled “fitness” drink. Just another example of a company not really giving a damn about anything other than profit.
Yes, Jackass George has returned to his home state of Texas, where he received a warm hero’s welcome by the many subhuman redneck primates who reside there. Apparently, they all enjoyed the eight years of his systematic dismantling of America. Good ol’ Jackass will now spend his time grazing on his ranch in Crawford, with his crosseyed mate Laura by his side. Yes, Jackass George is now just a private citizen, with taxpayer supported security staff, taxpayer supported health care, and taxpayer supported retirement. All the little luxuries of life that Republicans have always told Americans they cannot have, and should not want. Yes, we are so lucky here in America to have hypocrites like Jackass George and the rest of the Republican party to lead us. So lucky.
EXCLUSIVE! SEAN HANNITY NUDE!
Published September 3, 2009 Politics Leave a CommentTags: conservative commentators, Conservative Nazis, Conservative Talk Show Hosts, conservatives, Disgusting Human Beings, Fox news, Fox News Commentators, Republican slime, Right Wing Idiots, Right Wing Scumbags, Right Wing Talk Shows, Right Wing wackos, Sean Hannity