HOW TO SPOT A REPUBLICAN

Different people look differently.   It’s no secret that appearances say a lot.  If someone is happy or sad,  it obviously shows in their faces, as well as their demeanor.

I work in a unique industry where I come in contact with many different  people on a daily basis, and due to the nature of the business, political views usually get expressed.   This being the case,  I have become somewhat adept at identifying a person’s political affiliation before they even verbally reveal it,  just from their appearance.   Now admittedly, this is a generality, but overall it seems to hold true.

HOW TO SPOT A REPUBLICAN

What does a Republican look and sound like?   Hmmm, well,  this can be broken into two separate categories:  younger Republicans, and older Republicans.   They both share the same ideology, and there are very similar physical traits, but with slight variances.

A)  OLDER REPUBLICANS.   This is someone, male or female,  middle-aged to elderly.   Generally, this person looks and sounds a bit cranky all of the time.  Where males are concerned, they are usually military veterans, and look as though a broomstick was stuck up their butt and never removed.   They give off a “I don’t trust ANYBODY” vibe, and usually have barbed wire voices that have a distinctive sour tone.  It’s always very obvious that this person has NEVER been “cool”, nor has any knowledge of, or interest in being cool whatsoever!   Nope, they believe everyone should be a cranky old distrustful turd like them, and anyone who isn’t simply  MUST be a dreaded liberal socialist  Democrat.  For the females, it’s basically the same thing, except they have boobs, which they are usually ashamed of.   Older Republican females give off a submissive vibe,  being trained from birth to yield authority to the dominant Republican male of the household.  After all,  it’s what the Bible teaches.

B) YOUNGER REPUBLICANS.   Male or female, younger Republicans come across as more self-assured, and less distrusting than their older counterparts.  They have a ” screwing someone over is the natural way of things” air about them.  They’ve determined that all of their enemies, (i.e. evil liberals) will all soon be destroyed, and they will inherit the earth.  They suffer from a false sense of security that many times leads them to recklessly blurt out their most narrow-minded conservative viewpoints with the assumption that everyone will automatically agree with them!  Isn’t everyone a conservative Republican??   They are somewhat harder to spot than older Republicans because they appear to blend in with a more contemporary appearance and demeanor, but make no mistake, they can be identified.  All Republicans, I repeat ALL,  young or old, share one common trait that is unmistakable;  the same glazed over, empty blank stare in their eyes.  Unmistakable!   Now, before you accuse me of exaggerated stereotyping,  let me point out that it is a clinical fact that people who suffer from delusional mental disorders almost always display a very distinctive look in their eyes.  And there is no one  more delusional than a Republican!!   I rest my case!

EXCLUSIVE! SEAN HANNITY NUDE!

THE UNNATURAL AND DEGRADING BUSINESS OF WORK

Many years ago, I happened across a manual written for college graduates entering the work force.   It contained the usual information about having a successful job interview, etc.,  but one particular paragraph was very interesting.   It dealt with the psychology of accepting submissiveness to authority.  It clearly stated that while yielding to a superiors authority may feel degrading and unnatural, one must learn to accept it  in order to function effectively and productively in the business world.  So in other words, we MUST deliberately allow ourselves to feel unnaturally degraded in order to work for a company.  This concept brings to mind the old process of ”breaking” wild horses on a ranch.  The idea being that the untamed spirit of a wild animal must be broken, and the will of the master must be imposed in order to make the animal AGREEABLE to being ridden.  So when a person enters the work force they must willingly become “agreeable” to being submissive, no matter how unnaturally degrading it feels. How nice.

Whenever a company (large or small) puts you on their payroll they believe they own your very soul.  You are now bought and paid for.  Typically,  to an employer you’re nothing more than a number.  In their minds you were born into this world ONLY to perform whatever silly, trivial tasks they need completed.  Surely no one is so naive as to think they actually are “valued” as a human being by their employer?  And, of course,  if  they do not like the way you perform their silly, trivial tasks, they’ll  find another number to replace you.   Its almost humorous (in a grotesque sort of way) how companies demand the utmost loyalty and honesty from their employees,  yet show absolutely no reciprocation of that loyalty and honesty whatsoever.  You exist only for them, and the accomplishment of their silly menial tasks.  After all, they’re paying you, remember?  Therefore,  you owe them your life.  That’s the reality of being a hired hand,  an employee of a company.  If you think not, then you are truly fooling yourself.

I’ve known many people who worked nearly their entire lives for one company or another only to be let go because of “downsizing”, or “efficiency ratings”, or some other BS nonsense.   Some of them were let go without warning or notice.  Oh, but companies have the nerve to DEMAND that they are given at least two weeks notice before an employee quits his or her position.  What a joke!   Oh, but wait… they’re paying you, remember?

Most bosses are ego maniacal idiots, drunk on the power of authority.   They secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) enjoy making employees jump through hoops when they bark out an order.  They enjoy feeling the Godly power of life and death they wield in the work environment.  They may be nobody in the real world,  they may feel powerless outside the office, but inside those four walls they are King Kong.   And if you don’t like the selfish, cold, uncaring, inhuman way your boss treats you, well,  just remember….. they’re paying you.

And the subject of pay is a perfect example of just how “loyal” and “honest” a company is to its employees.   A long time ago, employees of all types were paid on a weekly basis.  At the end of the work week, you received your pay for the total hours worked that week.  Then, companies discovered something very interesting.  They discovered that by paying their employees, whom remember, they DEMAND the utmost honesty and loyalty from,  on the 1st and 15th of every month,  at the end of the year the employee will have unknowingly worked for approximately 2 weeks without pay!   Oh, how “loyal and honest” of all of these dirt bag companies to do such a thing to their trusted employees.

So remember, if a company wants to treat you like a meaningless number, well hey, they have that right, don’t they?  After all,  we were all born for  ONLY one reason;  to work for the company and ensure that they accomplish their oh so important bottom line, right?

Oh wait, and remember…..they’re paying you.

UGLY WHEELS AND BAD TASTE: TRANSPORTATION IN THE MODERN WORLD

The car you drive is like the clothes you wear;  it says a lot about you.  While the general public’s love affair with the automobile is nothing new, past generations had the good fortune of being car buyers during the heyday of such legendary classics as the 57 Thunderbird,  66 Mustang,  1960 Cadillac Eldorado,  or the 1967 Corvette Stingray, to name a few.    Unfortunately, attractive styling in automobile design is something that went the way of the dinosaur many years ago.   Today, consumers plop down more than three times the new list price of one of those classics to buy one of today’s many styleless ugly vehicles.  I’m amazed every time I see a new car commercial for some ugly new generic vehicle in which hired actors gawk and fawn over a completely unappealing, unattractive, ugly car in an attempt to “convince” the public that the car is irresistibly desirable.   And the nauseating result is people with REALLY bad taste actually go out and buy these ugly hunks of crap!  The following is only a partial list of the most ugly vehicles on the roadways today.

MITSUBISHI LANCER.   Yep, if you make enough goofy TV commercials with young actors getting  excited  over this supposedly “sporty” 4 door compact as if it were a Ferrari, then sure enough,  young car buyers will actually believe that it IS  “sporty”!  In reality,  this ugly,  boxy, very average looking blob of metal is anything  BUT sporty.   Classic car enthusiasts get nauseous just looking at it.

CHEVY AVALANCHE.   All  SUV’s and trucks are butt ugly, but this ridiculous looking hunk of crap is the epitome of ugly.  This  machine should be in the dictionary as the definition of ugly.  How can anyone look at this thing and say “duh, I’ll pay 30 grand for that”?.

DODGE CHARGER.  This  attempt to re-introduce a muscle car classic is one of the most pathetic examples of today’s style challenged era.  The original Charger was a sleek,  sexy,  rocket shaped 2 door sport coupe,  NOT a bulky, square,  ugly,  boxy,  4 door hunk of non- sporty crap!  Even the deluxe  R/T model is a joke,  despite its racing inspired paint scheme, rear spoiler,  and 20 inch rims.  Just plain ugly and stupid.

HUMMER.  Two words sum up this vehicle perfectly: Ugly and stupid.  And two words sum up the people who want to own one:  Bad taste.  Anyone who finds this pile of crap appealing should not be allowed to vote, buy recorded music, or do anything else that requires good taste and good judgment.  And no, the giant, cheesy chrome rims DO NOT make this joke any more attractive, “sporty”, or appealing.   S-T-U-P-I-D.

TOYOTA COROLLA.  Yeah, its a “sensible” car.  People who want economical affordability flock to car lots to buy not only this bland, styleless, boring vehicle, but approximately one zillion other similar looking bland, boring “sensible” cars just like it.  Everywhere you go these days,  “sensible”, ugly,  unattractive, bland,  boring  cars like the Corolla infest the roadways, driven by people who just don’t realize (or worse,  just don’t care) that for about the same money they could’ve actually purchased something that looks good.  What’s worse is the fact that while drivers of truly beautiful machines like Corvettes are required to pay outrageous insurance rates, all based on the assumption that a racy sports car means speeding and accidents,  it is always,  I repeat,  ALWAYS cars like the Corolla that I see piled up in intersections every time I drive past an accident scene!   And usually,  it’s an SUV who has collided with them!  I have yet to witness two Corvettes in a deadly bumper embrace ANYWHERE!   In fact,  I have NEVER,  EVER seen a Corvette wrecked along the road in my entire life!  Always the “sensible” drivers in their silly little  “safe” 4 cylinder cars who don’t seem to know the difference between green and red, and yet pay  lower insurance rates because,  hey, they drive a ” safe, sensible car”, right?   Excuse me while I puke!

PICK UP TRUCKS (all of ‘em!) No list of stupid looking vehicles would be complete without including the “Redneck Cadillac” itself, the pick up truck.   Pick ups enjoyed surging sales numbers over the last two decades,  coinciding precisely with the increased popularity of country music and the plummeting  I.Q.  of the American public over the same period.  Hmmm,  coincidence?  I’ve lost count of how many “Touch my truck and I’ll shoot” bumper stickers I’ve seen over the years, and the fact that most (if not all) pick up drivers are staunch conservatives goes without saying.  The most ridiculous trend of late is the “sporting up”  of pick ups with hood scoops, chrome rims, rear spoilers,  and other assorted racing accessories.   IT’S A TRUCK,  YOU MORONS!  I don’t care how fast it will go,  IT’S A FRIGGIN’ TRUCK AND IT LOOKS RIDICULOUS!!  Also, it seems to be a scientific fact that pick ups will not run properly unless the driver is wearing a baseball cap, either frontwards  or backwards.  This important discovery was apparently  made by rednecks many decades ago, which explains why nearly every goofball you see driving a pick up is wearing a cap.  Either that or the cap is necessary to hold the driver’s pea sized brain in place.  Whatever the case,  pick ups have one purpose, and one purpose only, and that is to haul things.  It’s a work vehicle.   It’s not a Cadillac,  it’s not a hot rod,   and it sure as hell does not make it’s driver more “manly” , “macho”, or the king of the road.   Sorry rednecks.

PROPEL FITNESS WATER NOT ABOUT FITNESS ANYMORE

If you are a drinker of Propel Fitness Water you may want to take a close look at the ingredients label on the product’s newly redesigned bottles.  The people at Gatorade, the makers of Propel, have decided to introduce High Fructose Corn Syrup as the drinks primary sweetener, replacing the previously used Sucrose.   Of course, NOWHERE on Propel’s fancy new bottles is there a declaration of this change of sweeteners to alert consumers of what they are now drinking.   Anyone who hasn’t been living in a cave these last few years will undoubtedly have heard the findings from the medical community warning consumers that drinking beverages containing High Fructose Corn Syrup is not healthy.  It can increase a person’s risk of developing sugar diabetes by 80% by just consuming  ONE  12 oz.  beverage.   Most regular sodas contain High Fructose Corn Syrup,  and while many companies,  such as Hanson’s Natural Sodas,  have been removing High Fructose Corn Syrup from their products,  the good people at Gatorade have decided to ADD it, unannounced, to theirs!   And of course,  Propel is marketed as a vitamin filled “fitness” drink.  Just another example of a company not really giving a damn about anything other than profit.

If you would like to tell the geniuses at Gatorade what you think about the addition of High Fructose Corn Syrup to Propel “Fitness” Water,  copy this address into your browser and go to their home page:

http://www.gatorade.com/

(NOTE: pictured is the old Propel bottle)

GEORGE W. BUSH RETURNS TO HIS NATURAL HABITAT

Yes, Jackass George has returned to his home state of Texas,  where he received a warm hero’s welcome by the many subhuman redneck primates who reside there.  Apparently, they all enjoyed the eight years of his systematic dismantling of America.   Good ol’ Jackass will now spend his time grazing on his ranch in Crawford, with his crosseyed mate Laura by his side.  Yes,  Jackass George is now just a private citizen,  with taxpayer supported security staff,  taxpayer supported health care, and taxpayer supported retirement.  All the little luxuries of life that Republicans have always told Americans they cannot have, and should not want.  Yes, we are so lucky here in America to have hypocrites like Jackass George and the rest of the Republican party to lead us.  So lucky.

HYPOCRITE LIMBAUGH HOPES AMERICA FAILS!

It’s no secret Republican airbag Rush Limbaugh hates Democrats.  And Democrats hate Limbaugh in return.  Today on Limbaugh’s radio show, the conservative blowhard made headlines by openly saying that he “hopes Obama fails”.   This after all the warm and fuzzy commentary by all of the news media during the Obama inauguration about “one America”,  and the power of Obama to “unite” the country and work bi-partisan with Republicans.  

You see, because of people like Rush Limbaugh, there can never, and WILL never be “one America”.   Because conservatives always have, and always will view the world with a “Us versus Them” mentality.   It was the hallmark of the Bush administration’s approach to everything for the last eight years.  And it is the way conservatives WANT the world to be.  They WANT enemies at every turn.  Why?  So they can flex their muscles,  declare the opposition “evil”,  and then feel self righteously “holy” by launching a war like campaign to destroy the perceived “evil”, thereby proving to themselves  (and God) that they are the protectors of all that is “right”.  My how their inflated egos must tickle with joy every time they indulge in such a fantasy.  

So Rush “The Windbag” Limbaugh openly states that he hopes Barack Obama, the legally and lawfully elected president of  The United States of America,  Limbaugh’s own home country, fails.   Does anyone happen to remember the conservative outrage that was vented over the claim that ANY American who protested against the war in Irag was “hoping that America fails”?   Republican airbags like Sean “The Idiot”  Hannity railed daily, expressing outrage that ANY American would be so “evil” as to actually HOPE that America would fail!  Well,  let’s see if conservative outrage targets Limbaugh in the same manner, because when Limbaugh says that he hopes Barack Obama fails,  he is essentially saying the same thing;  that he hopes America fails! 

Something tells me windbags like Hannity,  Bill “Bozo” O’ Reilly, and the myriad other conservative idiots out there will most likely brush over Limbaugh’s comment without mention.  Why?  Because in actuality, they are ALL hoping that Obama fails, or at least screws up in some manner.  Because to conservatives there isn’t,  and can never be, “one America”.  One America would mean that they might not have the power to crush the “evil” opposition that disagrees with their agenda.  One America would mean that people who they do not believe should be allowed to be heard, might actually be able to exercise their “freedom of speech”.  One America would mean that all of those in the middle class who work to enrich and empower the wealthiest corporations might actually be entitled to “handouts”, otherwise known as benefits.  Yes,  if Rush “The Windbag” Limbaugh and other conservative hypocrites have their way, there will never be “one America”.

WHAT THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS REALLY ALL ABOUT

Well,  here we are in the middle of another holiday season.  Even though the current economic slump has put a damper on some of this year’s celebration,  people still find a way to indulge in their most favorite holiday activity:  getting fat and drunk.   Does anyone seriously believe that if food and alcohol were removed from the equation that people would still celebrate ANY holiday?   I don’t think anyone would even care what new year it was, or anything at all about “Old Saint Nick” if they couldn’t load themselves full of pastries and booze.  So spare me the  “Holiday Wishes” and the spirit of “The Season”, because the reality is holidays are about one thing and one thing only:  getting fat and drunk!  Sure, children enjoy the holidays because they get a break from  school,  and they can bug their parents into buying them the latest x-box crap, but adults only see one thing appealing in all of the holiday madness, and that is the opportunity to eat too much and drink too much.   As someone who doesn’t drink or eat very much,  I find the lack of dignified self control among my fellow humans during the holidays to be transparently ridiculous.  Oh sure,  I’m told to “get into the holiday spirit”, or “lighten up” (hilarious),  or to “live a little”.  All of these slogans become laughable when all of the morons who spew them discover they have gained 10 unwanted pounds after their drunken,  hung over festivities.  Yes, there’s nothing like polluting your body to demonstrate how to “live a little”!  So as the new year begins, last year’s holiday revelers will regain consciousness,  and begin new diet regimens and workout routines.  All in preparation for the next holiday season when they can get into the spirit again, and indulge in the most festive of holiday traditions;  getting fat and drunk!  Bah Humbug!